Bloody Shark Films

I enjoy killer-shark films. To be honest, I enjoy anything that pits stupid swimming humans against vicious slaughtering water beasts. It’s just a shame the humans tend to come out on top. Well, one day we’ll have a film in which EVERYONE that goes into the water gets eaten! Until then we’ll simply have to watch some wonderful killer-seafood movies.

47 Meters Down. (2017)

Right, so we’ll start with the latest in killer-shark films. Welcome to 47 Meters Down. (Just ignore the Meg still on the trailer. -Ed). In this film, two morons end up trapped inside a shark cage some 47 meters underwater. (They should have just sent them a goodly length of rope.) There they are assaulted by a legion of flocking (Yes, I said flocking. They might as well be!) great white sharks that are intent on eating them and their cage.

Peter Benchley’s Creature. (1998)

Now this film comes to us all from the creator of JAWS, The Beast, and other cult classics, Peter Benchley (8 May, 1940 – 11 February, 2006) Now unlike his other ocean going monsters, Creature features (Creature feature. LOL -Ed) an horrific hybrid entity that is composed of shark, dolphin, amphibian and human DNA. Naturally it terrorizes the local community.

Dinoshark (2010)

What do you get when you give the chaps at Syfy channel $2,000,000 and tell them to create a monster film? Well, you get some sort of dinosaur-shark monster that is suffering from delusions that it is a Mosasaur. Simple as that.

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

What is more disturbing than fighting off a one-headed assailant? Well, according to film makers it is fighting off a two-headed shark. Yes, you read that correctly. A shark with two-heads besieges a small island community and eats many of its locals. Nothing new there. (The worst thing about this film is that the shark’s heads do not each have their own hats. -Ed)

So I asked our longtime friend, Metal Pangolin, to give us his scientific opinion on killer-sea monster films.

“Sharks have been stalking the seas in search of tasty morsels for millions of years. Millions of years longer than even the dinosaur. It’s safe to say that if they had opposable thumbs and the ability to make movies, they would have been making movies about Sharks. Anyway, yes, sharks are the mist terrifying denizens of the sea because they are able to tap into the primal human fear of being eaten during the most inopportune time in a place that seems relatively safe. They have those cold beady eyes and rows of sharp serrated teeth that are replaced when they are lost which adds to their terrifying arsenal. Another key feature is their ability to strike at bathers by detecting the electrical signals of their muscles as they move – a feat achieved through special receptors that they possess.

“But in the end sharks just want nothing to do with humans and they are more likely to attack after mistakenly identifying people. So next time you are bathing and that theme song starts playing in the background, check to see if there isn’t a traveling orchestral band or some kid with an mp3 player first before suspecting that a shark is swimming around the tub with you” – Metal Pangolin.

Well there you have it folks. That is what a real scientist thinks of killer-sushi movies. They are great aren’t they?

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