Predator, Another Generic Hollywood Remake ?
Warning! This article is full of Celtic slang. That’s British and Irish swear words for you, you fecking twally-washers. Also, I’m Celtic-John, and I am here to entertain myself. (And review the new Predator film, or at least try to -Ed)
They have gone and done it again. Do you hear me? THEY, the bastards! The bloody brain-dead fud munching bastards in Hollywood have gone and unleashed another massive jobby. A huge jobby. A gigantic jobby that smells like a burning whorehouse at low tide. Yes, that’s right, The Predator is a massive lump of shitte. (I would say that if you’re easily triggered then you should bugger off now. But I am not going to say that. Instead I shall say the following… Strap in ye bastards, we’re going for a short ride on the cac-coaster.)
Now how the hell am I supposed to review this lump of ass gravy? Well… I suppose that I should start from the beginning of the film. But I am not going to bother with that. Instead I shall fling the worst of the shitte around in multiple directions, and let it slide down the walls into oblivion.
Right then, let’s go…
To start with the characters are pretty much a mass of none events. A none-event mass with the quantum probability of zero, if you will. (Red Dwarf reference no.1) The hero is another bland, all American soldier chap that’s been through hell, seen more than most, and can’t deal with it – though he ends up dealing with it anyway. You know, the mindless predictable token white man; aka crap.
His wife is a right scut and is about as useful as a fart in the bathtub. Alright, she’s sexy as hell, but fecking boring as beige paint. Their son on the other hand is a packet of gowling farts that brings nothing of interest to the film apart from the fact that he’s got “problems.” (None of that shitte would do him well in the Highlands.) Oh alright, as a nerd I am glad to see the geeky weird kid becoming the hero, but it would be nice to see something different for a change. Maybe a cross-eyed dyspeptic from Ulster could save the day before pissing on the side of a pub wall and buggering a horse? (Just a thought.)
The rest of the films’ participants are a pack of fannybaws for the most part, too. One or two of the heroic gang are entertaining to watch, but for the most part they are thick eegits that could have been replaced by two-dozen eggs and a used red brick.
And the villains on the other foot are as bland as the scenery; as useless as a ashtrays on motorbikes, and about as villainous as a Muppet movie monster. (Wankers! Wankers everywhere!) Once again, there are one or two chaps that bring something of interest to the film, but they’re not enough to make this jobby any good.
Alright, there’s a few laughs and some fun moments, but it’s not enough to make this film any better.
As for the predators…. Jesus tap-dancing Satan! What the bloody hell happened there? One’s a knobdobber and the other is a right roaster. Okay, I’ll admit I like the idea of the aliens moving their way up the evolutionary ladder -bigger, better, a larger target. Especially that latter. It’s alright that you want to breed a super-monster but you can’t exactly be a master of subterfuge if you’re as big as a fecking elephant….. Okay, well, apparently you can be a master of disguise IF your enemies can’t hit anything but themselves, trees, walls, pot plants, and old ladies. Still, less is more.
Now as for the plot of The Predator… Well, it’s about as thin as my fecking hair. There’s a Predator who’s more a nugget than a hunter and he’s done a runner and come to Earth in order to…… Wait for it…… Drum roll please…. He’s come to save humanity. Aye, you’ve read that correctly. He’s here to give us gifts in our fight against his own people. What a numpty. He’s a right bell-end.
Also there’s something to do with DNA testing, scientists, the future, family values, a dog, coming of age, horses, auto-mobiles, Barney the fecking dinosaur, cheese cake and a guy named “Psycho Harry the Hatchet Man.” Well, maybe not all of that, which is a shame as it would have been a better film IF it had had all of those wonderful things and not the diddy shitte that it did have.
Sod it! I can only hope for the future of the Predator franchise, but as things are going it’s likely to turn into an even larger jobby. Alien is dead. Jaws is buggered. Terminator doesn’t know where the hell it came from. Robo-Cop is buggered. Pretty much everything is turning into crap now. Nothing but overblown crap!